Pivot

 Pivot

Think back to your childhood for a moment. Any moment. Throughout your entire life. What moments stand out, What do you remember? Pivotal moments scatter our past. Moments that have shifted our fate or set it in stone like the ancients did. Our abilities to conjure back the past and accurately envision the moment are nothing short of incredible. That is unless you have a history of emotional trauma, brain damage, ( yeah, I said it ), beautifully polished by the attention span of a heavily dosed goldfish on psychedelics. Welcome , again, to my “me”... please wipe your feet and don’t write in the dust with your finger.

I’ll admit, it’s been some time since I’ve posted. I’ve been busy with trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I think an astronaut might be a tad over zealous but still, “manifest destiny” right? I’m not one to say it doesn’t work, just that sometimes the obsession with the question can impede the destinating. Oh man... auto correct just had a seizure over that one.

Speaking of... unintentional breakdancing has seemed to have gone the way of the chances of being an astronaut as well have weekly CT scans and MRI’s. Yes... “Woot, Woot” indeed. I’ve been “brain eater” free now for 3yrs. The last surgery to address an anomalous anomaly was two yrs ago and it didn’t find anything but an infection over the site of the last (2nd) crani-openy. Some of my closest friends like to call it a case of “brain syphilis”. I’m quite certain this may be an attempt at normalizing THEIR affliction. (You know who you are, Mr. EVANS.) 

Back to the “Woot Woot” bit... 

So...Cancer-freeness. I’ll try that on. Might fit like a prom dress on a dare but feels like a fireside scribble on a windy, rainy day in the balmy winter of Northern Ireland. Not going to complain. This is where writing GETS DID. Some of the best writers and poets built their legacies here. I suppose I am here to break that cycle. We ARE truly loving our experience of being here for the winters. Though, the locals are either, perplexed as to what ass-backwards logic brought us here (for winter, no less) OR not entirely sure as to what a “Bermuda” is. They are a beautiful breed and I am proud to find myself amongst them. A perspective , I imagine, which depends on which side of the discussion one finds themself. The question still stands...

What the “feck” am I here to do!?!

To answer this I’ve had to branch out. Do new things, see new things. Visit the past with the plethora of Neolithic sites, many of which can be found a stones throw from where we live. (Pardon the pun) There’s something to be said about visiting somewhere that once, 6,000yrs ago, served as a site to honor the dead or even, in many instances, predict the future through star alignments. Alignments, I might add, that no longer align because they were brought into purpose  SIX THOUSAND YEARS AGO. 

That’s a lot, dummy.

Like our planet IS no longer where it WAS... how’s y’brain feel’n now? Again, welcome to my me and again, wipe y’feet.

These transcending (Apparently, autocorrect doesn’t like the word transcending either so “transgender-ing” almost made it in if not for the proof read.) Just thought I’d share. lol 

These TRANSCENDING experiences have lead me to many more questions. Questions I would think we’ve all asked ourselves.... hopefully anyway...

What are we?

Why are we?

Who are we?

Now, those who know me well, know that I’m a staunch advocate for cannabis. Yup, “Here I goes again”. Hear me out. It has a variety of therapeutic properties which I recommend anyone with a stick in their bum to research, wether in medical journals or in practice. That said, it needs be noted, none of the above (or below) “revelations” were conceptualized under it’s influences. This is me, as me as it gets. I am these days just a bit more welcoming to the idea of enlightenment, given the experiences/trials I have had the opportunity to have in the time I’ve been lucky to have had. Trials have been as instrumental in making me ME as the opportunities afforded to me and I am grateful for each and EVERY one of them, no matter how arduous, no matter how painful. So, I guess that answers the question:

“Who am I?” Now you know... too.

While on this exploration of self reflection, I have struggled with some of the answers as well. Like “Why am I here?” I know, seems hokey. But to get in my head, other than with a selection of rather expensive power tools, one must first understand the weight I feel I bare. Even though I have had more than a few cracks at this “Living” thing. Through numerous miraculous survival/recoveries of, for lack of a better... poor decision making on my part, To not once, not twice, but THRICE getting through open brain surgery. All whist still being able to talk, walk and most importantly... be a dad for my kids. What am I still here for?!? Good thing I am currently living in a country ripe with awe inspiring, spiritually intoxicating landscapes. All waiting to be explored and loosely translated into perception. Sooo, I started thinking, wait hiking. “Thiking”? Nope, that made me feel dirty. Nm. In a delicate effort to pull myself away from, the balance of being in land of potatoes and actually becoming one, I’ve been getting on with it rather well. Especially,  considering that this wonderful land of which I dwell is best known for it’s dismal, dismal weather. Yeah, two dismals. Once acclimated by seeing an old lady walking her dogs IN THE RAIN...EVERY morning, while I take the kids to school in a nice, warm, dry car. That’s when I took the “plunge”. (Quite literally, or so it felt)

So most mornings I drop the kids to school. (at which they are excelling and loving it, in case you were asking. Now back to me. ) I will then head off to this “mound-ain”. That’s what I call it. They call them slieves or mountains but really they’re more of a steep hill. Enough to get the blood pumping and endorphins spiking for sure. So, I’m doing a few up/downs every morning. Well, most mornings. Not so much when it’s blowing 40kts and sideways rain at 3*. That old hag can have it. “Go you Granny Schwarzenegger”

Not. 

For. 

Me.

Obviously, given my last few years workout schedule or lack there of, I’m stretching like every time I hit the bottom. Up. Down. Up. Down. Up... and so on and so sore. At the bottom, where I do my “ Please, don’t blow a hamstring.”es, there is the most magnificent big tree. I often use it to keep my balance as I desperately try to warm up a muscle I don’t seem to have anymore. Anyways, this morning, like two hours ago, I leaned against said tree and thought about what things must have been like when it was just a sapling. Ballpark, 400 years ago give or take a century. Whatever, I don’t know how trees work and neither do you. So, zip it. 

Anyways, there I be, in one of my endorphin induced reflections… there, in the rain, there under the canopy of a beautiful big beast of a tree that had stood strong through far worse than any of us will ever have to, there I asked, thumping my fist against the gnarled bark,

“What’s the secret...What am I still here for?”

I can’t quite describe what I felt in that moment, but honestly, when I looked up 200+ ft at that canopy, I swear I actually, quite literally FELT the simplest of words...

“Just Grow.”

Much love my peoples,

JB